top of page

Taylor Swift ascends during Eras concert

By Grace Limbott

Thousands of eyewitness reports have corroborated video footage that shows singer-songwriter Taylor Swift floating into the clear night sky during a Sunday Eras tour concert in Milwaukee. 

The 34-year-old megastar has not reappeared as of Monday afternoon. 

The Facebook fan group Swifties Forever on Sunday night posted a statement supporting the incident, reading, “In the Year of our Lord 34, our Celestial Mother ascended into the heavens and commenced her final and everlasting Era. We always knew this day would come, just not so soon. Though we can no longer witness her in the flesh, she is with all of us now.”

Swift’s team has not addressed her disappearance other than to assert that a police investigation will not be necessary and has requested “respect for the blessed family’s privacy at this time.”

Sociologists and mathematicians have long questioned how the star’s ever-increasing popularity could be sustained. 

“What we have here is an unprecedented case in which fame continues to grow exponentially over the decades, whereas most celebrities see peaks and valleys but usually declining overall with age,” prominent mathematician Leonard Avis told The Dump in May of 2023. “We’ve calculated that it will take approximately 3.5 additional years for Ms. Swift to amass a total of 10 billion fans — that’s about 2 billion more people than we know to be alive today. So unless we humans drastically increase our birth rate before 2027, it seems the only possible outcome is that this star will implode.”

Reports from the Sunday concert have not described any implosion, but rather a gradual levitation into the atmosphere while singing “Look What You Made Me Do," which some fans have called a disappointing choice for a swan song. 

“I mean anything else from ‘Reputation’ would have been better if she was going for a vengeful goddess arc. If she was, I totally respect that. I’m just feeling confused,” one fan wrote on Swifties Forever.

A schism has already formed between two sects of fans, those who call themselves the “Dark Swifties” and the “Light Swifties.” Devotees have begun the monumental task of distinguishing Swift's canon based on a vast catalog of lyrics, documentaries and interviews, arguing the nature of their god and why she left them.

“We just hope She will not forsake us in our darkest hour,” one Swifties Forever admin writes. “Tay, we need your guidance now more than ever, but all we hear is silence. Please, where did you go?”

Get The Dump in your inbox. Subscribe to our weekly newsletter. 


Get the weekly Dump in your inbox.

The Dump is 96% satire. Don't sue me please.


bottom of page